A Carbon Copy
by BleachedMerc
Summary: Roxas offers to extort Kairi as she visits the other Princesses of Heart. Unbeknownst to them, their tax collector follows. Contains Roxiri.


It was a cloudy day in April and it felt like the sun would never shine again. No one wanted to get out of bed. Most people preferred to hide under the covers or squirrel away in an underground bunker until May. But the sad truth was that no one could protect themselves. The darkness was coming. Nothing could stop it, but that didn't discourage some from trying. Kairi had a plan, but she would need the other Princesses of Heart to help if she ever hoped to succeed.

And so Kairi put on her most comfy walking shoes, got a pretty new skort perfect for any occasion both formal and casual, and set off on her most important journey yet.

"Don't forget your purse!" shouted Roxas, who came out of nowhere totting around a gigantic handbag made of genuine cow's hide.

"Oh, thanks!" Kairi giggled. "It totes slipped my mind." She tried to make an adorable face to cover up her embarrassment but it fooled no one. "You can, uh, let go of it now," she said while tugging at the bag. But Roxas's grip held firm. "Thanks for the help and all." Roxas still held fast. "Umm... so, like, this is awkward."

"Isn't it?" said Roxas nonchalantly.

"Uh, yeah. So like, are you gonna let go or...?"

"Nah."

"Um, but I need my bag, tee-hee! It's got a girl's most valuable trinkets inside!"

"I know. I checked."

Kairi's face went pink. "You did what?"

"Oh, I totally went through all your stuff," Roxas said with a smug smile. "And I'll bet you won't want me telling everyone that you carry around a box of doughnuts everywhere you go."

"Roxas, no! You can't! Everyone knows I have to watch my girlish figure!"

"Or how about I tell everyone that you pasted a headshot of Richard Nixon over Sora's face in that picture you two took last summer!"

"No! You mustn't! What will people say! What will they think! Oh, Roxas! You can't!"

"I don't know, Kairi," Roxas drawled with mocked disinterest. "What's stopping me exactly?" His voice said it was an inevitable piece of gossip that would circulate town, but his eyes didn't. He wanted something for his silence.

"Okay, Roxas. I'm prepared to parsley," said Kairi with all the dignity and grace of Princess.

"You mean parlay."

"That's what I said."

"You didn't but whatever," Roxas shrugged. "Okay, so, you're going to visit Cinderella, right?"

"Yeah, she's number 6 on my list. Why?"

"Well... I want you to take me with you!"

"Because...?"

"Because there's something I really need to ask her and it'll look weird if I go by myself."

"But Roxas, it'll look weird if I go with you. So like... I dunno..."

Roxas thought she would say something like that, so came prepared. He opened Kairi's purse and pulled out the crayon drawing she forced Namine to scribble earlier in the week.

All the color flushed from Kairi's face. "NO! YOU CAN'T!"

"Try me."

"That's my fan poster for Apudin! You can't show that to people! They'll get ideas!"

"Well, gee, Kairi. I'm sure if I was talking to Cinderella, I'd be too busy to show this to the others..."

With a disgruntled, exasperated sigh accompanying a face she thought was cute but really wasn't, Kairi caved in. "Fine!" she said in a huff. "But don't say or do anything weird!"

"Deal."

"Great," said Kairi. She tugged at her bag again.

"Awesome," Roxas replied. He still wasn't letting go.

"Fantastic."

"Superb."

"Amazing."

"Brilliant."

Kairi was getting angry now. "Why aren't you letting go?"

"Because I want it in writing that you'll take me to see Cinderella," said Roxas. He pulled out a hundred-page legal document complete with microscopic, hard to parse print and gave it to Kairi. "Signature and date, please!"

"Oh, fine!" huffed the princess. She signed, initialed, and dated every page at least seven times and then handed the stack of papers back to Roxas.

"Pleasure doing business with you!" he said, finally letting go of the purse.

"Yay! Come to mumsy, Nixon-poo!" Kairi yanked the picture of Nixon from her purse and smooched it a couple of times. Roxas nearly gagged but he worked through it.

And so the two were ready to see the Princesses of Heart! They skipped along the beach and boarded a raft or whatever it was that the kids used to travel.

Meanwhile, something nefarious rustled in the bushes. An evil, maniacal laugh boomed from the secret place under the tree that Wakka was always jabbering about.

"Heh, heh, heh! Ha, ha, ha! Hee, hee, hee!" A round, not-so-pleasantly plump woman with dark, greasy hair rolled out of her hiding spot. She wore a standard pantsuit and sported a golden name tag that read Roxanne O'Ghiri. But her friends called her Roxiri for short. She was a tax collector and she smelled trouble. "So, you think you can pull a fast one on ME, do you, Kairi? Well I don't think so!" she said to no one in particular. Selphie was playing hopscotch nearby, so maybe she was talking to her? No one knows, and really, no one cares. "I'll find out what your little game is, and when I do, I'll put the kibosh on it! No one's going to ruin THIS year's tax season! Not while I'm around!"

And so Roxiri bounded off after the two kids using the IRS's latest mode of transportation: the city sewer system. She slipped and slid along some sludge and rolled on down the sluice gates, following the children until it was the best time to spring her trap.

After a long day of visits to castles, mansions, and a jail cell (poor Alice), it was finally time to visit Cinderella. Roxas was so excited he could hardly contain himself, and Kairi was so tired she could barely smooch her Apudin poster the recommended daily amount of thirteen times. When they got to the castle, Cinderella had them sit in the Green Room and served muffins and tea while they discussed Kairi's big idea.

"So what you're suggesting is we petition the government to pass new tax reform laws?" Cinderella reiterated.

"That's right," said Kairi, sipping her tea all cutesy like and earning another gagging sound from Roxas.

"What would this tax reform entail?"

"Um, like, the super cute princes and princesses like us don't, like, pay anything because we're, like, too important to the global economy and stuff and we're the job creators. So, like, why punish us with taxes and junk?"

"Because it's our duty as citizens of the world to contribute to the public good by sharing our earnings so that society can afford to pay for projects that no one person can afford on their own."

"Um, yeah. But like, can't they do that?"

"Who's 'they'?"

"Like, people who aren't as cute as us."

"Well, they do pay taxes. But they don't have as much money as we do."

"Like, duh! And we'd have less if we paid taxes!"

Cinderella sighed. She wasn't getting anywhere. "What did the others say when you pitched your proposal?"

"Oh, they like, umm..." Kairi made a cutesy face to distract from the fact she had nothing else to say. It didn't work.

"Well, it was nice to see you again, Kairi. Do come again for tea sometime soon, okay? Bye."

"But wait!" Roxas shouted, jumping from his chair. "I have something I want to ask you!"

"Oh no you don't!" said Kairi in a huff. She grabbed Roxas by the ear. "We're leaving!"

"But you promised!"

"I like, sooo didn't!"

"You like, sooo did!" said Roxas, parroting the idiocy of her voice. "And I have the papers to prove it!" He whipped out his stack of signed legal documents and waved them in Kairi's face.

The silly princess grabbed the papers and chucked them into the fireplace. "I don't see any papers! Hmph!"

"Nooo! My legalese!" Roxas broke free of Kairi's hold and rushed to the fireplace. But by the time he got there, the stack had turned to ash. Roxas dumped a bucket of water over the flames and mourned the ashes.

"Better luck next time," Kairi cackled. She started for the door, but a confident laugh stopped her in her tracks. "Like, what's so funny?"

"I have _this!_ " said Roxas with a smirk. He produced a second stack of papers. "Didn't you realize the documents you signed had carbon paper underneath?"

"Le gasp!" Kairi gasped. "A carbon copy? Like, no WAY!"

"Way." Roxas handed the stack of carbon copied papers to Cinderella, who read the fine print.

"According to this, you owe Roxas a stake in your father's company, a lifetime supply of sea-salt ice cream, annual tickets for Blitzball, Spider-Man web blasters, a bucket of KFC Chicken, and a meeting with me—Cinderella."

"I what?" Kairi almost did a spit-take.

"Well, this is notarized. It checks out." Cinderella put down the documents and turned to Roxas. "So what did you want to speak with me about, Roxas?"

"Who do you think would win in a fight: a dues paying member from the Mop Guild or Bobby Corwen?"

Cinderella paused to contemplate the question in earnest while Kairi blew a gasket.

"THAT'S what you wanted to ask her?" Kairi screeched.

"Well, yeah," Roxas said with a bashful grin. "It's a good question, don't you think?"

"No! I like, don't!"

"Don't what? Think?"

"No, I-"

"Huh, I know another girl that's like that... Hmm..."

Kairi was about to whack Roxas with her totes genuine leather thousand-dollar bag when Cinderella interrupted her.

"Well, to answer your question, Roxas: I'll have to say it would be a draw. They're both too powerful."

"Say...what...?" Kairi just about broke.

"Wow! I never thought of it like that!" Roxas exclaimed with a joyous smile. "I knew asking you would be the right call! Thanks, Cinderella! You've saved me from hours of bickering with Axel about this. I'm sure he'll agree with you."

Cinderella smiled. "Anytime, Roxas. Feel free to come visit again soon and bring Axel if you wish. I have a big screen TV and you can watch the fights here with me once the season starts."

"Wow, you mean it? That's great! Thanks!"

"Well, good day to the both of you." Cinderella showed the kids out—Kairi was babbling like a loon and Roxas was on Cloud Nine. They eventually made it back home where they parted ways. Kairi would continue to speak in tongues for a few weeks only being cured after Namine drew her a smoking hot new picture of Nixon to smooch, while Roxas got together with Axel at Cinderella's place later in the month to watch the fights while chowing down on a box of doughnuts, a bucket of KFC Chicken, and a pizza crust that had no right to be considered food.

If you're wondering what happened to Roxiri, don't. She got lost in the sewers somewhere between Agrabah and Alice's jail cell. Roo had to get a forklift and crane to fish her out of some pipes. In exchange he got to list the rescue operation as a tax write-off and he was compensated with an IRS-sanctioned box of Pooh sticks, which he promptly returned to the Fellowship of the Pooh.

The end.


End file.
